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Sexual Assault By The "Friend" - And How To Avoid It
It has been well documented that most sexual assaults occur with someone known
to the victim. This could be a family friend, a relative, a work or club
associate, a neighbour, or the ex-boyfriend. In the context of this article, we
will refer to the assailant as "friend".
Typically, victims of sexual assault know their attackers and share
some kind of history that eventually led to the undesired advance. Sexual
assaults usually start with sexual fantasies that the assailant has harboured
for some time. Triggers for these sexual fantasies are manifold. Sometimes it is
the victim that has unwittingly contributed to the fantasy, perhaps with a
little remark made towards the attacker in the past, or by merely showing a
friendly attitude, which was mistaken for flirting or the display of sexual
interest. Often the victim did absolutely nothing to provoke a sexual attack.
Examples for this are secret admirers that the victim had dealt with on a
day-to-day basis before the attack occurred.
The following describes means of preventing sexual assault before it happens.
Avoidance
The best and easiest way to avoid any undesirable situation is of course
avoidance. If you're starting to get a bad feeling about someone, don't allow
yourself to be caught alone or in a compromising situation with this person.
Always ensure there are other people present.
Address the issue
If something does develop, a simple NO may suffice. Let him know by no uncertain means that you are
definitely not interested. By simply talking and very directly addressing the
issue, you may be able to correct the situation before it goes bad. If you're
not sure and you're uneasy about it, summon up your courage and ask very
directly to find out whether he's the victim of a terrible misconception. An
awkward situation is better than ending up the victim of a horrible crime that
could have been avoided.
In general it is better to lose a friend by talking than losing a
friend AND becoming a victim of sexual assault at the same time. However, you
can still be tactful about it by voicing your concern in a way that shows you
care about the friendship or relationship that you have with this person.
A good tactic is to be assertive while being non-aggressive at the same time.
"I am flattered that you think of me in that way, but I have a boyfriend/husband
and I don't want to get involved with you in that way. I apologize if I am misreading your behaviour, but I value our friendship and I
don't want to destroy it over a misunderstanding."
Reasoning
At the next step, the attacker has probably realized that you do not consent to
his sexual advance. A possible way to stop the escalation at this point is to
evoke the third person. The idea is to bring reason into the equation.
Begin to describe the dire personal and societal consequences of his
actions, should he
continue his undesired approaches. For example, you might mention that if
something were to happen, a third person who the attacker loves, respects or
fears, would find out. This could be the attackers wife, girlfriend, daughter,
father, brother or work colleagues.
Threatening
If this doesn't impress your "friend" yet, you can threaten that you would
report the matter to the police and describe the resulting trouble, involving a
public court case and possibly a jail sentence. You might mention the long term
repercussions of such an assault and how the stigma of being a rapist would mean
public humility with friends, family and work colleagues. These are serious
threats, and if made in the wrong situation could further enrage the assailant.
Thus it is extremely important to offer a solution to the escalating situation.
This "backdoor" should provide the assailant with a choice, in the sense of "if
you leave me alone now, we just forget about it" and "if not, it will mean
police, court and jail".
Summary
Always try to talk your way out of a potentially threatening situation before it
occurs. The awareness of the typical stages in the escalation of sexual assault,
and an array of possible verbal and physical responses can better your chances
to escape unscathed. In addition to "verbal kung-fu", a minimum knowledge of
physical self-defense techniques is recommended, should it come to the worst.
Sexual assault is a fact of society, and you must be prepared for it to stand a
chance.
Prevention is better than cure. There is no cure for sexual assault. Be
prepared!
Terry Lyon, 4th Dan Karate Master and Women's Self-Defense Instructor
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